Last Years Open Letter

I know that some people say “it feels like yesterday” when speaking about lost loved ones, but for me- some days it feels like even longer. Nine Father’s Days have passed. Nine Christmases. One wedding. 7 grandchildren. So many birthdays.

I’m older, and I guess one could say I am wiser, but I still feel…. angry. Angry that he isn’t here to do the things he deserves to be doing, like cooking yummy food just because, cleaning any space making it look brand new because he wanted to, bringing in junk he found walking around. Angry that he left me with so many questions. Angry that my younger children, niece's, and nephew will never get to know him.

After ten years, I guess I thought I would have more of an understanding. Why this happened. Why me? Why him? What do I do without him?

I thought I would feel less lost. Less confused. I thought that I would have some big grand understanding of life and loss and how to cope with it all, how to move past it, how to come out the other end of the long, dark tunnel that is grief stronger. Maybe I didn’t learn any of those things, but I did learn we have to in order to carry on. Even though I still feel anger, it isn’t at him. I know he would be here if he could be. I also know that there is nothing wrong with what I’m feeling- because I am FEELING, and that is a part of life. I also know it’s okay to still hurt and ache for him it’s natural, it’s love that does that, and the loss of having it in front of me something I can hold onto, something tangible.

Today has been hard, but like with most things in life we have to hold on to the positive things and carry them with us to get through the darkness.

I learned from his life being cut so short and there being SO much left he wanted to accomplish, to live life to the fullest, not in fear. Even though I can’t hear him, I carry him with me I carry what he taught me, I carry his jokes, his sense of humor, his kindness, his giving nature, his helpfulness, and his love..... Sometimes I go to take the trash out and I may see something in the compactor room that is useful and say to myself "ALL IT NEEDS" lol I guess I get it honestly!!! I miss him so much and I know that is ok!